I love taking pictures of Harvey, partly because it's a switch on the usual combination -- male photographer, female lover. I take pictures of him at the typewriter in his office, with his friends, naked in hotel rooms, rushing into surf at Nantucket, with his relatives in Miami. [The one place I can't bring my camera is the courtroom; it's against the law in Massachusetts.) Harvey is accustomed to my camera's being there, but occasionally he feels it's an intrusion. After all, he says, though it looks easy -- aim, focus, snap -- it is work, and I'm not all there when I have it in hand. It's a screen of sorts; I'm using it to distance myself from other people. And besides, he likes to add, there has to come a time when the things around me are not, at least for a little while, material. My response to all this is always mixed; I think I'm using the camera for exactly the opposite reason, to be involved. The thought of having to leave my camera behind for someone else's reasons, his, makes me feel trapped/resentful/rebellious: oh yeah, well, I'm taking my 4x5, so there. The two or three times this issue has come up, I've said, 'OK, I won't go through the whole number; I'll put my Pentax [a smallish camera] in my pocketbook.' And when I felt like it, I used it.
There are seasonal visits from certain friends that I can count on. Though I don't know exactly when, I can assume that Creeley, Ginsberg, the Meaders, the Gordons will be here every Five months or so. I like the feeling. It gives the year a measure. The conversations make me pull things together. What have you done since I was here last? What do all my hours and all my lists of errands add up to anyhow? Here what's going on elsewhere. There's a family feeling to these visits that's essential to me. It's clear that I need to/like to [almost compulsively] recreate the idea/feeling/warmth of a family -- all those cousins I knew when I was growing up. At 19 Flagg Street, I've made a family of people I can talk to. Understand. I have a certain ritual when these friends from out of town arrive. I buy strawberries and shrimp, cheeses. Wine. Cider. They're the most celebratory. Easiest to put together. Most special.
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